The Inner Child - Part 2 of 2
How did you get disconnected from the child within?
Life moves so quickly and you are kept so busy becoming an ‘adult’ that you don’t have time or space to ponder or reflect on the whys or hows of life.
You stop asking so many questions and become more serious, more adulty. You go to college, to university, travel, find work, then start to climb the career ladder. Maybe you got married, started to make some money.
You might have a nice house now, a car, some lovely children who are your pride and joy. And life keeps busy and you keep moving towards the next material and physical goal.
For good reason, you have probably focused on things on the outside that you can control in life and change, like your weight, how you look, or how your career looks, how your house looks, your children look, your life looks.
Your life may look good but you may have quite some confusion and overwhelm about the emotional realm you and others exist in. What you feel inside may be very different than how you look to others, or how you seem.
For me, senior school was an abrupt end to my child - like ways of being. Perhaps it was for you too?
The very long days at senior school sat behind a desk studying things I had to, in not enjoyable ways, meant that I lost a connection to my playfulness, creativity, the dreamy place of my imagination and enjoyable rest - all the positive parts of my the inner child.
I remember a distinct halt to the much loved reading of my James Herriot books full of wonderful tales about a vet saving the lives of people’s pets and farm animals. These books that gave me so much joy and inspiration were replaced in school by depressing books like ‘Of Mice and Men’ and ‘Lord of the Flies,’ which I didn’t choose but had to read.
I didn't enjoy senior school. I found it all very heady and not very hearty.
I was ranked academically and contrasted to my friends. I was taught to compete and to compare myself to others, so different than myself with vastly different backgrounds and characters. It was like there was an invisible human that we were all compared to and I just didn’t measure up to it.
Even in art class where you'd think you were safe, I was told by the art teacher that I wasn't good at it.
In music too, I wasn’t much good. Terrible ears apparently as I couldn’t identify the zillion different instruments in ‘Peter & The Wolf.’
What I could hear very well was the bell ringing like a victory bell at the end of every class. On hearing that bell I felt I could breathe properly again.
The pressured, depressing and joyless way of learning plus having to behave like a robotic moron at school, plus the quite miserable bunch of teachers, just didn't appeal to me, although I did go on to University, fulfilling another expectation of me, of course.
“Most of our tensions and frustrations as adults stem from compulsive needs to act the role of someone we are not.”
Basically we disconnect from the inner child because we have to. In this society, particularly here in the wild wild west, a child so vulnerable and authentic needs to go. What helps to make it in the world, to fit into the world, is to forget the feeling one and become the thinking one. Act. Cover over.
So we do that. We develop a false self. We don’t do this consciously of course but it happens. That false self represents all the bits and pieces that are socially acceptable. And all the things society doesn’t like or our family didn’t like, school didn’t like, they all get put in a big heap way back somewhere hidden, where we and those judgemental and critical ones, can’t see it.
Not allowed to be angry? Tears not allowed? Not allowed to question authority? Not allowed to ask why? Not allowed to be too loud? Not allowed to be too sensitive? Not allowed to be too honest? Not allowed to eat chocolate? Not allowed to tell anyone mummy got mad and hit you? Not allowed to move from your desk? Not allowed to interrupt? Not allowed to laugh?
All this gets stored, repressed, pressed down, deep inside, along with all the unprocessed emotions and confusion of such nonsensical things we are privy to as children. And down there, in the deep recesses there is the inner child. The happy one, the dreamy one, the upset one, the angry one, the frozen one, misunderstood one, lonely one, excitable one, scared one, desperate one, the needy one, the magical one, the strong one and the weak one. The YOU one.
All these faces of your childhood and all you were, gets stored deep down in the ocean of you, kind of like a treasure chest full of gold but with a bomb or two thrown in there too for good measure.
“I carry inside myself my earlier faces as a tree contains its rings. The sum of them, is ‘me’. The mirror sees only my latest face, while I know all my previous ones.”
Important to know at this point, is that although the inner child has been hidden and disconnected from, they still live and they will give you signs of their aliveness. I suspect they already are which is why you are reading this.
You might have started to get overwhelmed maybe just driving your car, or you may suddenly feel anxious to walk on your own somewhere. Shame and guilt may lurk, anxiety may have heightened. Your adult self may start to get panicky, or angry, defensive, protective and triggered more deeply and frequently. If you have children, you may have guilt about the fact that you have a massive resentment and frustration in you. You may lose your rag more than you’d like. You might also have lost your creative spirit, maybe you don’t read anymore, or go into nature anymore. You may feel like you have lost your spark, your mojo and a few marbles.
Whilst these feelings arise, some of the beliefs driving them commonly are, ‘Everything is my fault,’ ‘There is something wrong with me,’ ‘I can’t do it,’ ‘I’m not good enough,’ ‘My feelings don’t matter,’ ‘I don't matter.”
These beliefs of your inner child drive your thoughts, moods and behaviours - your whole life. You ‘think’ you are living your life as an adult. But no, it’s your inner child that is calling the shots.
Often when arguing with your child or partner, you may regress. Suddenly you are not the adult, you are a child yelling and trying to stamp you feet, to be seen and heard.
How we heal…
What’s missing and what’s calling you, is your adult self becoming conscious, aware, so you can soothe yourself, calm yourself and be there for yourself.
When you can do that - all will change around you.
When you decide to stop, create some space to find some inner-calm, self-understanding and self-compassion,
this is when your healing journey begins.
It helps to know (and this is part of the healing work) that as an adult you have so much now that you didn’t have as a child.
You have power now, autonomy, permission (no more waiting for mum or dad or a teacher to say so!) and you have agency.
You get to be who you wished for in times of need. And you get to live now how YOU desired to but gave up, in favour of course back then, of feeling loved, accepted and fitting in.
You’re not a child anymore. But by being connected to that child within, you can really create huge changes in your life by simply taking yourself by the hand.
Some examples of taking yourself by the hand..
Even though you may have felt loved as a child, you may have felt alone with your massive misunderstood feelings. As an adult it is now your responsibility to create a gentle, receptive and loving inner voice.
In times of stress and emotional overwhelm this can sound like telling yourself:
It’s ok.
You’re safe.
I’ve got you.
It’s not your fault.
I’m here for you.
You’re not alone.
I believe you.
You are everything -just as you are.
It’s ok to feel deeply, it’s normal, it’s human!
It’s beautiful and so special to be sensitive, let’s look after it, let’s hone it.
I know your goodness.
I know your golden heart.
Breathe…. Yes, take a nice big, deep breath in. Relax your shoulders.
Feel your feet on the floor.
We got this.
And you can mean all these things. We aren’t convincing the child within. We are telling her/him the truth according to the sovereign and powerful adult we now are.
Self care is really just taking care of the needs of your inner child and becoming responsible for that aspect of you instead of having a child-like expectation that ‘somebody else’ will fulfil your needs, make you happy, save you, even.
You are the one you have been waiting for.
What does a child need/what does your inner child need?
Good food, safety, good rest, good sleep, space to create, space to just be in nature, time with animals, quality time with friends and family that are nurturing and nourishing. And your presence.
We don’t heal after a day or a week. This isn’t just a one-time thing.
It’s every day. Practising creating balance, gentleness to self and creating a richer inner-landscape takes time.
Little by little you will emerge more whole, more aware and more balanced.
This inner child awareness and the practises used (and described below) will really change your life.
Don’t delay- the child in you is counting on you so that you can live life emotionally balanced, with inner peace , inner power and clarity.
Extra inspiration
Music videos for your inner child
Wide Awake - Katy Perry
Because of you - Kelly Clarkson
Films for your inner child
Labrinth
The Wizard of Oz
Alice in Wonderland
Work with me
As a Guide & Mentor I have spent the last decade healing my own inner child.
I certified as a Life Coach, became an Energy Healing Practitioner and I have sought after the most transformational pracises that help us to connect and heal. I am still learning and healing.
Here’s some of my favourite transformative practises I use with my clients:
Guided meditation and mindfulness practises
Guided visualisation
Thought work - we question them. Are they true? Are you just repeating thoughts that stem from a belief from your past that you have never questioned.
Body awareness - we use the body as an incredible tool to help understand the connection between beliefs, thoughts, feelings and behaviour. We spend most time up in heads, it’s a process to land down in the body again!
IFS - Internal Family Systems
Space. You get to be totally yourself and unravel in safe hands - looked after by somebody that knows the path as she’s been walking it for some time, after climbing out of one hell of a ditch.
I found a power that lies within and it is my mission to help you reconnect to yours.
If you have questions, or wish to book some coaching sessions, I am here x
“You had the power all along my dear, you just had to find it for yourself.”
