What Is The Inner Child? - Part 1of 2

The concept of the inner child was first introduced by Swiss Psychoanalyst Carl Jung in the early 20th century. And more recently, the concept has been popularised by the work of John Bradshaw and Richard Schwartz (Internal Family Systems).

The inner child is a young part of our psyche that influences how we think, behave and live-out our ‘adult’ lives. The inner child represents a part of the subconscious that picked up all the happenings of our childhood; it holds beliefs, emotions and memories from the past, both positive and negative.

The term ‘inner child’ can have a bit of a fluffy or a ‘woo’ feel to it. Some of you may immediately think of therapy and feel adverse to it for that reason. I want to bring more attention to and assist in developing an understanding of the inner child. It is very evident to me that we all have an inner child and when we shine a light on it and fully connect back to that part of ourselves, our lives (and the lives of those around us) will forever and miraculously, be transformed.

If you aren't versed in what the inner child is, I am going to share a personal story with you with the aim of making it more real and tangible.

Meeting my inner child 

In 2016 at the ripe young age of thirty-six, I had no idea what the inner child was, but after a couple of months of speaking therapy I soon found out.

I had started therapy because I felt like something was wrong with me. I had been to the GP a number of times before this in the preceding year thinking that it was physical. I suddenly felt insecure, alone, misunderstood and very lost. Somewhere deep down inside me, I knew something was up. Doesn’t the body always keep the score?

I was reminded by my therapist months after my initial session with her that unable to express verbally how I was feeling, I had instead resorted to using my hands to show her.

I motioned with wide hands that my life was all over the place and then I brought my hands in, making a shape to show that I wanted some kind of alignment, a coming-together, some balance.

I also remember that when asked about my childhood in that session, I had said with all the truth and pride of the limited inner-standing I had at that time, “My childhood was very normal. It was wonderful. I had lovely parents, I went to a private school, I lived in a beautiful cottage, went on lovely holidays and I had all the things I needed and wanted.”

Fast forward 2 months and my therapist asked if I could think of a memory of when I was young and didn’t feel safe.

The memory flashed before me, I didn't even have to search or think about it which was amazing because my memory of my younger years was very sketchy up until then. But now, it was like being in the cinema when all the lights fade out and the film starts. Projected in my mind’s eye was my memory, as clear as day.

The memory:

It was late at night and I was alone at home sitting on the sofa next to my mum.

I could see through the windows of the french doors in the living room that it was pitch black outside. Mum was sitting in her familiar place on the sofa next to the radiator where she balanced her whiskey glass and her overflowing ashtray. 

She was crying her eyes out, flailing her arms, as she attempted to drink and smoke her pain away. She was crying about my dads family, her family, the family business, how hard everything was. Beside her were many pieces of paper with loads of scribbled down calculations, evidence of mum’s constant worry and obsession about saving money. And also a nod to her poverty-stricken upbringing as one of 5 children born to Irish immigrants.

I saw the younger Sarah in this memory as clear as day, she was around six years of age. 

The therapist asked if that situation struck me as normal. 

I suddenly realised it wasn't.

She asked me to look at my younger self and see how she felt sitting there beside mum.

I was aware I felt my mum's pain, I wanted her to be ok, I wanted to help her to stop crying. It took some reflection and gentle questioning for me to realise that I was wanting to mother a thirty-something year old woman, an adult. But I was only six years old.

What about my emotions?

What about me needing my mother? 

Tapping into how the six year old me felt, I sensed she looked afraid, overwhelmed and a little frozen. She was not breathing regularly and deeply, but almost holding her body tight and still. Mum was not acting normally, or predictably and this was clearly frightening and unsettling.

I sensed little Sarah felt unsafe and alone.

The therapist and myself proceeded to go through an exercise where I connected to that little me using creative visualisation. 

I imagined holding the hand of that little 6 year old me and leading her away from the scene where she was almost held hostage, unable to move or emote from the pain of my mother.

My adult self was able to connect to my inner child and offer her much needed presence, sobriety, safety, attention, compassionate witnessing and love. All the things that in that moment, my own Mother was sadly not able to provide for herself, let alone me.

I didn’t want to leave my mum alone in that memory. The feeling of guilt made it very hard to do so, but at 6 years of age, I wasn’t supposed to be mothering my mother. At 36 years old, it was time to choose me. By choosing and advocating for my inner child, I did just that.

That is how I met my inner child. 

Until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Carl Jung

I wasn’t aware of this part of me for all of my teen years, my twenties and my thirties because I had disconnected from the inner child in me, and I would argue that the same has happened to many of us. Not through big ‘T’ trauma even, but because it’s just how it’s been until now. If the general populice haven’t gone to therapy or had any kind of life coaching then this understanding of ones’ inner child, hasn’t reached mainstream consciousness and hasn’t become a known phenomenon yet. 

Until you are aware of the disconnect that has taken place, you are unconscious to the fact that the younger version of you is leading your adult life.

When triggered by your partner – it’s your inner child that reacts

When annoyed by your mother-in-law – it’s your inner child that reacts

When you are resentful towards your ‘boss’  – it’s your inner child that reacts

Upset with a friend -  it’s your inner child that reacts

Insecure in the school yard with all the other mums? - it’s your inner child that reacts

For most of us, our lives on the surface look anything but how they actually feel inside of us. We have copied being grown-ups in how our lives should look, but we have left behind all the emotions, feelings and memories gathering dust like our dear old teddies of youth.

See Part 2 xx