A few years ago I reached a point where I realised that although my life looked good, it didn’t feel good, at all.
I was crying every morning in secret just after my husband had left for his work and before I left for mine. I hated how I looked and changed my clothes countless times before I found something that hid my thighs. Or it was a branded item which I had paid way too much for that gave me just enough confidence and enough of a feeling of worth to leave my house.
I hated my seemingly glamourous job that jet-setted me to different countries around the world. The truth was, advertising sales was very stressful and didn’t fulfil me. I was unhappy with my friendships which majoritively were one–sided and I felt people took advantage of my caring side and ability to listen, it meant I was very rarely listened to and often spoken at.
My relationship with my husband was a struggle and seemed like a battle of wills. There was little respect all of a sudden and just blame being thrown from one to the other. I was drinking all the time – since the age of 14 it was normal for me to experience regular blackouts – and I had no energy. I was absolutely exhausted and drained. I had always thought that the next job would make me happy. Or the next hairstyle, diet, or thing I bought. Relief was always only temporary.
At the age of 36, I couldn’t keep repeating old patterns because my life thus far was a testament to the fact that the old patterns weren’t working. I didn’t have the energy to keep pretending and to keep doing the same things all over again. My red eyes in the mirror couldn’t lie to me although I put on a good show to the outside. I had even for the longest time convinced myself of the façade I was living.
I signed up for speaking therapy at this point as I had so much inside that I suddenly felt needed to come out. I was ready. I was done with everybody’s bullshit but mostly, I was done with my own.
In my weekly sessions, I unraveled painful thoughts and belief systems that had been embedded in me, unexamined since childhood. Over time, as a result of these sessions, the persona I had built to protect me from the outside world began to shatter as I became connected to myself. I started to find beauty and strength inside of me. The world became a very friendly place, it started to shine as I did. Nature especially, began to look so vibrant and extraordinarily beautiful.
The world around me changed when I changed from the inside out.
All of my relationships evolved as I started to communicate from a place of wholeness, self-respect and genuine happiness instead of a people-pleasing mentality which concealed my own unfulfilled needs, unmet wishes and self-consciousness.